Like All Boys Do

I feel hollow inside today - right now - that's right, a man, 42, feeling hollow. No, not shallow, hollow. Wake up !

For so long, it seems so many women have thought of men as ...well .... sexually as being like a switch, and the more me and DG do this ....... errr, reversal, this role reversal, the more I see us mutating our behaviour, mutating into facsimiles of what each other's behaviour would be in our more traditional roles - DG too tired and pressured from work, me acting as the hub of the family, thinking of only one thing, and that is ALL of our happiness, being aware of what it takes ...... and all I meet is resistance. And now I feel something else, unswitchlike, something that I no longer can believe is gender-specific, but instead possibly sociologically rooted. And it isn't the usual lusty hunger (hey, now I want to be cuddled) ..... but its after effects are related.

Some background, for new readers (i.e. here comes the rant) ...

I realise that the sum of me, 24/7, is a badly micromanaged family happiness facilitator, with a very austere (and distracted) manager and some tricky clients ..... and no contract (not married - seems she (DG) only wanted my seed and skivvying, help !!).

It seems no-one, perversely not even DG, is allowed to have a good time - especially if it could be classed as sensual enjoyment - pillars of death-cheating self-defining purely-pleasurable behaviour such as ooh, say taking twenty five minutes to watch the kids muck about on a sunday afternoon. Ohmigod. Oh no, sorry, but I just don't think so ...

And you are in deep trouble here if you think it may/might just be ok to have sex this year (even five minutes worth if there isn't time for some serious Goddess worship) ..in the middle of the day, one day. Fuck spontaneity (if it's going, that is) - it wasn't in the plan and there just isn't time for it right now ! (Now that is not ironic !!)

A few weeks ago a half glass of rose wine poured upon a Saturday lunchtime, to go with some pasta (can anyone actually eat the stuff without wine ?) was described as 'decadent' ....... but I'd forgotten where I'd put my horse-hair shirt and so I sipped on, and on .... knowing damn well that it wasn't going to get us anywhere nearer a warm and secret embrace for perhaps another fortnight of moons or so ... but hey, bugger it.

Oh no, life really should be full of misery, tiredness, stress, grotty behaviour (and that's the adults' as well as the kids) nasty snide asides, bizarre games (learnt as a sibling) of 'nikky nikky nah nah'. Oh, and my hot topic of the month - rushed, shit meals (but not necessarily cheap - these are strangely the real kitty budget busters).

Now for some more melancholy (I wonder how many women reading this believe that I am genuinely deeply feeling this, and if they do, how many of them equate it to the depth of sincere feelings that they experience ?). I have a feeling that only my 'Mum' friends that have seen me at breakdown point would, which depresses me, but hey, as I said, 'now for some more depression and sop'.

She is here, but I miss my love and I miss her so deeply that I feel it inside, like an empty ..... about to cave-in, black space.

Oh no

Oh WOW check out this webite - WWW.MENWITHCRAMPS.COM. Oh my god, no, that's not it.

And I feel numb as a result of again feeling this for a few days now.

And I feel miserable, just dead miserable. I cry. I yearn. Interestingly & possibly inconveniently I am still heterosexual though (sorry if anyone sisterly close to me has felt like prey over the last few weeks - I could eat my own right now and I am sure my pheremones are giving the game away).

And sometimes I unreasonably (honest) feel tense and angry that she can have and unwittingly abuse this power over me, and sometimes I just sooooooooo know this must be at the root of all my back pain, a desperate childhood-learnt catch of a sniff of the fact that I might be a piece of worthless shit (hey surely that is why I am getting treated like this, no ?!). I used to feel so special. In her arms.

Let's go back in time - The day I fell off the gym horse I remember feeling very scared, knowing I had let down my bully of a primary school gym teacher, and that I wasn't such a great kid after all. M & D were breaking up at home - my cuteness wasn't going to keep that going either - when I awoke the next morning with severe back pain the emotional association was coincidentally made, wasn't it ? They now go hand in hand and my back is like a barometer of how loved I feel. Perhaps.

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Oh I don't know ....

But I have sense of humour to fall back on so lets try ....

Nothing seems to satisfy, no sense swap will work its usual 'magik' ... and as for chocolate ... well this is perhaps a sad indicator of how pitifully bad the sex is, that some folk must have .... (aha - maybe THAT'S why she isn't interested any more ;?)

I mean, for someone to say that 'chocolate is better than sex' - even the 97% Noir Infinite sold at Maison Blanc is no substitute for the early caress of a lover, before even the tired foreplay starts.

C'mon.

A great start to Wednesday .....

Big big row yesterday.... Looking after poor pukey 4yo daughter who had been up with me all night, I have had some violent tummy bug over weekend ‘Oooop North’ at Grandma’s-in-Laws and she now too, but, hey, day didn’t go tooooooo badly considering Darling Partner ‘working’ from home, we did all the usual and then later into afternoon when DD not needing full time cuddles, I got stuck into jobs around the house .......... piggy coat rack for kiddies, sort out all the old baby clothes that have just been returned from first loanies, and a few that have just come back from Sinister Sister in Law (she’s actually lovely but I have come to learn what to expect and fear from DG after she has visited her ….)

Great
Fine
Wunderbar
Zeig Heil !!!

DP (Darling Partner) descending stairs, from hard but seemingly productive day in the office being waited on hand and foot, breakfast snacks drinks lunch snacks drinks etc ... allowed her to take all juicy bits of child contact (i.e. no nose wiping or vom stained laundry, just quick visits to nursery to collect DS, bit of colouring with DD, etc.) .....

She turns and notices said piggy tail rack installed on back of door in meter cupboard understairs, harumphs (apparently now satisfied that she has found a flaw in my handywork ..... that has been completed after no sleep, me having tummy bug for last three days and masses of vom cleaning and laundry) and says "That´s a bit dangerous having the coat rack in there ...."

mmm...

Now bear in mind she recently had a rejiggle in the same cupboard, exposing meters previously buried by piles of windcheaters, bike helmets etc. and there has never been a lock on this door ..... I am uncertain how to ascertain increased risk of 3 and 4 yo clambering over toolbox to chew on mains cable due to installation of piggy tailed coatrack (which they can do more easily anywhere else in house without opening spider cupboard !!) ??

But hey - she'd found the flaw ....

Please help me here if you can Dear Reader.

If it was me descending those stairs ..... I am fairly certain I would have congratulated her on a neat and practical job (after smiling the smile of someone has really appreciated all the waiting on hand and foot) commented 'well done' noting that it was completed under fairly adverse conditions, at the same time as looking after DD and DS, who admittedly were watching a bit of Cbeebies, but still needed observation due to disputes regarding viewing material.

If it were me ...... So as not to risk being seen as a hypercritical micromanaging pain in the proverbial, I may have delayed popping a lock on the door for a few minutes, or waited til she was out even.....

But I would never repeat never never never ever consider pointing out any fallibility or criticise her admirable efforts to her face, let alone forget to show some appreciation. I have learnt how to get along in that respect.

Now unfortunately, whilst dealing with my hurt feelings I forgot my cortally pre-programmed criticism inhibitors and decided to criticise her for her criticism.

Uh oh.

I said "You can never just say something nice, can you - you always have to negate everything I do with a criticism ......... for you the glass is always half empty isn't it ?? "

She has been quite miserable just lately .... as it happens.

It didn't have the achieved effect.

And so now I am the monster for lowering her self esteem, apparently always daring to criticise her - but hey - for criticising me (how horrid) (nasty man).

I am soooooooooooooooooo ***king dischuffed you cannot believe it.

The shit I have to put up with after

1. Three days of no meals (too much nausea to eat the food I was preparing for everyone else when I finally arose from my sick bed on Sunday lunchtime)
2. One missing night's sleep
3. A days vom laundry wrapped up in the typical househusband's daily duties waiting hand on foot etc etc etc

THIS IS A RANT OK I ACCEPT THAT ..

Phew

Take two blog posts, slowly stir, and ........ relax

Thanks, you were wonderful - was it good for you too ??

Now .... onto today .....

This morning, noticing that the house was all tidy as she left for work (AT work today - phew, no micromanaging of me today) she said ...

Wait for it ...
“As there doesn't seem to be much to do today I guess you'll be having a nice long session at the pool ?”

I said ‘Wha ?’

She said “Well everything looks tidy so there can't be anything that needs doing, ....”

I said ‘Oh yeah, lucky me, the whole day at the nail bar ....!’

She muttered something about what a monster I was and stomped off to her train ...

So I wrote her an email whilst fuming away ...... with the kids going ‘where's my school tights’ etc etc

It goes like this (sounds like I have written her a song doesn't it - well one day I might, but not today !!)

‘Excuse my reaction this morning but I find it incredibly insulting when just because you don´t know what I am doing you assume I have nothing to do. You have no idea how inflammatory your assumptions are, and I want you to understand and accept finally once and for all, that life at home doing all the domestic stuff is not the bunch of roses you make it out to be – it seems you live in a dreamland – if you were the husband making these remarks to a housewife you would be branded a sexist pig.

Maybe this isn't your intention, in which case you need to work on your tone (which came across as very patronising) as much as I need to develop an iron cladding on my sensitivities to weather your insensitive remarks. I know if I was a little less sensitive I'd cope better with your comments, but you know how hurt I get partly as a result of the history of your criticisms so why do you do it ?

And no, I have never heard you say you have had an easy day - you always make some comment when asked and sometimes even if not to the effect of “you have no idea just how shitty my day was today”. And woe betide me if I ever insinuate or let my tone suggest that maybe you have not got it so bad.

Still some perspective needs to be put on this - I have had an incredibly rough few days and am exhausted simply from me being ill (as you will shortly find out if you get it) let alone getting hardly any sleep Monday night and not being able to eat properly – despite needing to go to bed after a nice bath I went out last night to the Webster Stratton parentcraft course because I want to be a better parent, and the course was booked for that night…… Still it wears me out …

Ok. As you having such a hard time understanding that life is not all fun educational play sessions nail bars and gym sessions, these are just some of the things on the list that need doing today that, alongside the basic running around (if DD at school and not requiring looking after at home) should keep me busy enough to satisfy your requirements. Although I shouldn´t have to justify myself to you your attitude demands it.

I wish you could understand that just the “basic” running around entails delivering children, collecting some shopping, making three meals for our family, doing two or three dishwasher (it’s a half-size mini one) fills and empties, and perhaps one load of laundry (there is always one waiting to be done – today it’s the bedding - oh no, I was wrong, there is still another load hiding in the kitchen waiting for me from last night).
Just these are more than enough to keep the average Mum in our social group busy enough to need some tea and sympathy from her loving partner. And flowers. And exotic lingerie. Weekend breaks. Paid for by her partner. Hint, hint ....

Also as you can see, while you were lying in bed cuddling the kids at 6:40am I was already up emailing your Dad to see when he’d like to come up and celebrate his birthday with us, making kids breakfast and your crumpets so you don’t go to work on an empty stomach.

Now -Make DD’s and DS’s Lunch up

In a few minutes -Take DD to school

On way back collect free dvd cases from ******** (names removed) housing estate’s gatehouse for the school Christmas dvds.

9:15 am - Get back here for a play date set up with ******** (names removed) and ******** (names removed) – while they are here, whilst trying to not be too impolite, I will try and put away the two big piles of laundry in the bedroom which the kids have just helpfully tipped out onto the floor (great for my back) in emulation of their Mum's antics.

Tidy up and then take DS to nursery lunch club 1130

12pm Sort holiday dates, try and finalise & ok them with you, get back to my Dad

12:30pm try to meet/ call with ******** (names removed) to offload most of the responsibility for the nursery auction onto her capable shoulders

Call Elec and gas (again) to try and sort bills

Call ISP and sort lower DD

Lunch (?)

1pm Take clothes sorted and prepared yesterday back to ******** (names removed)

1:30pm Shop – the big one, we are out of many things from juice through to meat fish marmite etc takes two hours if I go to Waitrose as well to try and keep spend down by hunting for bargains/reductions yet buy basics at Sainsbury’s which is what I usually do

Home to put away shopping – this takes quite a while in our tiny kitchen, and however I do it I know I’ll have you later in the week moaning at me that you can’t find anything, so I always put some thought into this process to try and avoid this.

[So I have an hour and a half to do a 2 ½ hour job (leave for DD 3pm)]

Collect DD 3:15pm take her to Spanish Lessons

Shoot off to get DS, back to Spanish Lessons (takes a while this as you have to park on the wrong side of the school and walk round with DS)

4:40pm Go home, dishwasher empty and cook dinner for kids,

5:30pm Repeatedly beg them to eat it,

……..While trying to get house tidy again (pick your stuff off floor in our room, make bed presentable for bedtime reading) so you can tell me that nothing needs doing around here once more …….

6-6:30pm Get kids ready for bed

Worry what other things you might have identified whilst on your commute home that should have also been attended to (always by me it seems) -

[And these range from]

- boxes sort and into loft

- have you got back to the carpenters

- have you sorted Spain yet (get it into your head that I don't want you to bully me on this PLEASE)

- have you done anything educational with DD & DS

- time we changed DD’s & DS’s beds isn’t it ?

- why have we got furballs in corners of bedrooms

Worry that I haven’t sorted you some suitable dinner yet and you’ll get angry because you are hungry and tired

Deep Joy

Wouldn’t be so bad if I had a supportive partner and by that I don’t mean one that does any of the boring shitty bits, I am looking for emotional support here, tea and sympathy … which is hard to receive (even if eventually offered) from someone who is usually more busy handing out criticism or more tasks ………..

Now I know you just see this as character assassination, but if you are going to hand out criticism all the time you should expect to receive some back, we both need to change to make this work and unfortunately we are both going to have to hear bad things about what we do to each other to achieve this. I don’t believe you intentionally upset me, but it does happen … Am I supposed to just put up with it ?

Bx

"night NIGHT !!!"

"night Night !!" .......... she said, but meant something else - "go to sleep you bad boy" ? ..... I try and ease myself into her head and mindset, instead of unwittingly and subconciously into her warm, still perfect body ......... oh fear of fears ! ........... and still, for several minutes more ........... I lie there trying not to feel resentment, to still feel loved for something other than being her cuddly toy, her domestic, nanny, skivvy, and even mangy cat to kick when things get shitty at work.

Oh Boy/Father/Man what-have-you (what are you now ?). Instead of counting sheep I try and recite the S.C.U.M. manifesto, but twently odd years of old-er (and-er, slightly more misogynist) ageing since living in pro-feminist communes has taken its toll on the old grey matter. Shame, as that would have taken it's toll on the old pink matter ! Job (would've been) done !

Then realise I have done this over and over, over the last six years, and for many, many more minutes than it would take to to do something more positive and .... new.

I decide that this 'new' should be to write something and through it try to find a better understanding of our relationship. Anything to change this numbing pattern of domestic non-resolve and bitter encumberment. Anything just to make it easier for tomorrow, yet another day more usually spent depleting our passion in a slow boil bicker.

I want and need a resolve, a finished process and article, even, that I can and will refer to many a time .. and perhaps one day refer my son to, or maybe more usefully, my daughter. Ho-hum, what grand designs.

I have to add that I am a fan of good communication and the improvements it can bring to any scale of relationship, personal or international - unfortunately my writing skills will not illustrate this, hence the need to point this out early on.

So ....

Why did she not even want me to touch her back, stroke her toasty bed-hot bum even ? I have been so very good for so very long, silently avoiding ever sex-pestering her, making sure her bath, my love, my affection, our children and house are all at a constant warmth.

Perhaps a fear of maybe ending up wanting me and the ensuing wrath of passion keeping her up too late ? Later than the two episodes of Spooks she watched tonight ?.... err, that she had already watched with me a month ago !? Doing it for a dangerous second time in the last four weeks ? Could that turn me or her into a dreaded sex-junkie ? Horror of horrors, how ever would the housework get done ! The once or twice a month when we do make love my heart sings for a day at least and it seems the whole world just snaps into place, the housework is a breeze - and so I think it has little to do with the few seconds of orgasm - which when self inflicted never has the same effect on my sense of well being. More the confirmation of our intimacy.

Would that shift our eternal power struggle too far in the Auld Enemy's favour ?

Instead of my total and cheery optimism making a slave of me to her corporate wage earning power, would surrendering to 'le grande lurv' risk making a slave of her to my 'libido' ..... ok, we can call it a penis here, can't we ?!?

After all, that is all she sees my deep and heart-wrentching sensual and erotic all-consuming creative love for her as .......... isn't it ? ...... something inconveniently hard, sticking out of a very soft body and shabby mind ..... that of an underling, someone not that often worthy of her respect, someone who has willingly given up his all and ended up with 'just' two beautiful children and a live-in divorce ? [Whenever I think of these children, it all seems so possible to put up and shut up, but I know one day they will leave, and we will be left with each other, so for now this writer will write !]

I read. I read a lot a lot of articles that give me hope ....... here's some that have spoken so much to me, like letters from Amnesty International would, if you were languishing in an archetypal Turkish prison.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/article641298.ece
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/article656273.ece

A big shout out here has to go to Andrew Clover, whose musings in general, in his Dad Rules column, have given me much merriment and mirth and 'I am not alone-ness'. Would love to see his standup comedy.

I do have parent friends, so I am not strictly speaking alone, but (gosh, has that 'but' word ever sounded so harsh - and here, it shouldn't) they are all errr, well you know, all women.

They are great as in REALLY great people and friends - some have held my hand when I have twice thought I was having a breakdown, some have said the nicest things about the state of the domestic ship I run, one has even hugged me once when I was all soaking wet with tears and soggy face, thinking my Muse was leaving me and taking the kids with her (they'd look good in the office, I guess) ..... and this was in public in a car park at a Big Yellow Box depot, with her husband in the background probably wondering what the ***k was going on..... Some have told me they think my partner is a fool for not realising what a great bloke I am, and that if their partners were to do half of what I do they would be in line for regular sexual favours of a flavour I have long since forgotten the taste of ! - I blushed at this one, as something harder than flesh stirred in me simultaneously - Pride !!!! That felt new.

Some have said "Get used to it - she is a bloke !" (as she does typically bloke-insensitivity quite well, and they have witnessed it). Some have said 'tell her to get ***king real !' - a solid bunch indeed, when I talk to them, everything feels fine.

I know what you're thinking - but not once has anything ever happened of any kind of sexual nature with any of them - these women feel like sisters I guess (difficult to be certain as I am an only child).

While my young single male friends were busy freeing up disk space in their newest of new blackberry contact databases (as soon as I became Dad) these women so abley filled the gap that they taught me a thing or two about friendship, and they see me for who I am – so how come my partner is having such a hard time ?

I know she isn’t having an affair – I trust her.
I love her and find her incredibly attractive - would it be easier if I didn't ? If her looks had gone to ruin ? - Dunno, I think it is more the way she feels when she is next to me, and I spend a lot of time contemplating/fantasising about being sexually intimate with her (in all senses). I can't wait for her to get home at least half of the week ..... though it just never works out how I had hoped.

Enough for one night's sofa sitting,

Adios Amigos/Amigas