I feel hollow inside today - right now - that's right, a man, 42, feeling hollow. No, not shallow, hollow. Wake up !
For so long, it seems so many women have thought of men as ...well .... sexually as being like a switch, and the more me and DG do this ....... errr, reversal, this role reversal, the more I see us mutating our behaviour, mutating into facsimiles of what each other's behaviour would be in our more traditional roles - DG too tired and pressured from work, me acting as the hub of the family, thinking of only one thing, and that is ALL of our happiness, being aware of what it takes ...... and all I meet is resistance. And now I feel something else, unswitchlike, something that I no longer can believe is gender-specific, but instead possibly sociologically rooted. And it isn't the usual lusty hunger (hey, now I want to be cuddled) ..... but its after effects are related.
Some background, for new readers (i.e. here comes the rant) ...
I realise that the sum of me, 24/7, is a badly micromanaged family happiness facilitator, with a very austere (and distracted) manager and some tricky clients ..... and no contract (not married - seems she (DG) only wanted my seed and skivvying, help !!).
It seems no-one, perversely not even DG, is allowed to have a good time - especially if it could be classed as sensual enjoyment - pillars of death-cheating self-defining purely-pleasurable behaviour such as ooh, say taking twenty five minutes to watch the kids muck about on a sunday afternoon. Ohmigod. Oh no, sorry, but I just don't think so ...
And you are in deep trouble here if you think it may/might just be ok to have sex this year (even five minutes worth if there isn't time for some serious Goddess worship) ..in the middle of the day, one day. Fuck spontaneity (if it's going, that is) - it wasn't in the plan and there just isn't time for it right now ! (Now that is not ironic !!)
A few weeks ago a half glass of rose wine poured upon a Saturday lunchtime, to go with some pasta (can anyone actually eat the stuff without wine ?) was described as 'decadent' ....... but I'd forgotten where I'd put my horse-hair shirt and so I sipped on, and on .... knowing damn well that it wasn't going to get us anywhere nearer a warm and secret embrace for perhaps another fortnight of moons or so ... but hey, bugger it.
Oh no, life really should be full of misery, tiredness, stress, grotty behaviour (and that's the adults' as well as the kids) nasty snide asides, bizarre games (learnt as a sibling) of 'nikky nikky nah nah'. Oh, and my hot topic of the month - rushed, shit meals (but not necessarily cheap - these are strangely the real kitty budget busters).
Now for some more melancholy (I wonder how many women reading this believe that I am genuinely deeply feeling this, and if they do, how many of them equate it to the depth of sincere feelings that they experience ?). I have a feeling that only my 'Mum' friends that have seen me at breakdown point would, which depresses me, but hey, as I said, 'now for some more depression and sop'.
She is here, but I miss my love and I miss her so deeply that I feel it inside, like an empty ..... about to cave-in, black space.
Oh no
Oh WOW check out this webite - WWW.MENWITHCRAMPS.COM. Oh my god, no, that's not it.
And I feel numb as a result of again feeling this for a few days now.
And I feel miserable, just dead miserable. I cry. I yearn. Interestingly & possibly inconveniently I am still heterosexual though (sorry if anyone sisterly close to me has felt like prey over the last few weeks - I could eat my own right now and I am sure my pheremones are giving the game away).
And sometimes I unreasonably (honest) feel tense and angry that she can have and unwittingly abuse this power over me, and sometimes I just sooooooooo know this must be at the root of all my back pain, a desperate childhood-learnt catch of a sniff of the fact that I might be a piece of worthless shit (hey surely that is why I am getting treated like this, no ?!). I used to feel so special. In her arms.
Let's go back in time - The day I fell off the gym horse I remember feeling very scared, knowing I had let down my bully of a primary school gym teacher, and that I wasn't such a great kid after all. M & D were breaking up at home - my cuteness wasn't going to keep that going either - when I awoke the next morning with severe back pain the emotional association was coincidentally made, wasn't it ? They now go hand in hand and my back is like a barometer of how loved I feel. Perhaps.
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Oh I don't know ....
But I have sense of humour to fall back on so lets try ....
Nothing seems to satisfy, no sense swap will work its usual 'magik' ... and as for chocolate ... well this is perhaps a sad indicator of how pitifully bad the sex is, that some folk must have .... (aha - maybe THAT'S why she isn't interested any more ;?)
I mean, for someone to say that 'chocolate is better than sex' - even the 97% Noir Infinite sold at Maison Blanc is no substitute for the early caress of a lover, before even the tired foreplay starts.
C'mon.
